You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
