I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
