yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
