Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
