Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
