Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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