i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
