Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
