I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
