so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
