A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
