My hand turned me down
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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