The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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