I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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