True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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