Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
