I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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