im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
