Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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