The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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