Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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