How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
