ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
