Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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