hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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