did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dignity is for republicans.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
