Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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