Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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