he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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