nut hugger
i just wanna soil my oats bro
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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