This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
