Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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