i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
