Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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