How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
