I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
