Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
