Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
