Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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