i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
