hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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