I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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