Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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