Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
