oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
