dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
