I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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