you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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