Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
