i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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