I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
