I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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