he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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