I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
