The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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