in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
