i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
