where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
