When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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